Our Little Cloud

I know it’s been years since she was diagnosed with depression. By now, it’s just something I know is there, hovering like a little cloud over our heads.

Still, when other clouds gather in our sky, things get messy. The line separating a real depressive episode from just a rough day starts to blur…

The Role of the “Healthy” Partner

The role of the “healthy” partner is something I’ve come to accept by now (though how healthy I actually am is up for debate). I try not to forget that when her behavior shifts, or when we hit a rough patch, my job is to make space. To be there, trying to build a stable, quiet environment until the storm passes and the clouds clear.

But What If I Don’t Have an Umbrella?

But there are times when it catches me off guard, when I don’t see the little cloud rolling in. Often, even if it’s late, I manage to open the umbrella in time to keep us both from getting soaked.

Then there are the moments when I just don’t have the strength or the resolve to open it. When my own mind is crowded with bad thoughts and dark clouds. Those are the hardest times. When I lose my composure, when my emotional reserves are completely drained, and I can’t even figure out what’s happening, let alone help…
But I can’t afford to give up. That’s not my role.

The Grievance

And this is where the grievance comes in… do I even have the right to crash? Can I “unplug” or “abandon ship” for a little while?
On one hand, I know full well that I’m supposed to keep the balance, stay calm, and make the environment as peaceful as possible. On the other hand, it makes me feel like a machine. Like I’m not allowed to express my own feelings, because they will always be secondary to the depression. Which is true, anyway.

Conclusion

I still have no idea… Honestly.
I’m still fighting this battle inside myself. There are moments when I want to scream—from exhaustion, from all the feelings I’m swallowing down, but also from the weight of responsibility I feel toward my partner. A responsibility that comes from a place of boundless love.